School.

Understanding.
Projects.
Tests.
Exams.
Bell curve.
Thoughts of quitting school.

Quit it.

Negativity.

😢

It's so difficult to be positive right now...
Suddenly everything just tumbled down on me.
I don't know... October is supposed to be my favourite month but I can't feel any joy for it.
I know there's no point of thinking all the negative things but I can't.
I've been trying so hard to distract myself by studying but at some point of time, it'll just come back right into my head.
Argh, please. Deadline coming soon for my assignments. Exam dates are drawing closer and closer. And yup, what the eff am I doing???

Affection & Attention.

I admit. I admit that I'm a girl who requires a lot of attention and even more on affection. If we start off like this, obviously I would expect it to maintain, nothing more or less. For example, video call every night, simple stuff like texting good morning/night, meet up at least twice a week or bringing me out to a "secret location" that you couldn't tell me just to surprise me. If all these just stop all of a sudden, how do you expect me to cope with it? Even if you let it go slowly, I still couldn't accept it as this is not what I had in the beginning. You can't just stop all those things that you were doing in the past when you were chasing me. It is changing my lifestyle so abruptly. What you had given me became a habit now. Habits are hard to change but I guess it's easy for you, with you going back to your comfort zone while I'm left hanging out here trying to adapt to things once again.

When you said that you wanted some alone time. I. Was. Shocked.
I didn't expect that I am of some annoyance to you when all I wanted was to maintain things like how it used to be. I was too shocked to a point that I'm afraid to be dependent on you and starting to be independent all. over. again. I don't even dare to share with you what happened in my daily life because I'm scared that I'll be disturbing your time.

Is it true that the longer you are with your partner, the more boring it gets as the common topics between both are getting lesser and lesser? Do meeting too often lead to a point that it'll cause some distance instead? By giving all of your free time to yourself, friends and family, what's left for me? Now that you had won my heart completely, are you placing it in a trophy cabinet? Am I asking for too much? Are all these "maintenance" unnecessary? Promises that filled joy in me, were broken. From the daily "I love you" initiated by you to zero of it heard/seen. I'm terrified of changes. Don't do this to me...

Back to school.

Finally back to school.
Before school starts, I felt excited yet stressful.
When I thought about school, I thought of new friends that I'm gonna make in school and all the fun I gonna have with them. All of a sudden I thought about all the schoolwork I gotta do and learning all the concepts in a short period of time. What if I do badly and drop out of school? What if I'm too busy with schoolwork and slogging my life away for the next few years which results in not having enough time to spend with my family and friends, or even myself? All the what ifs just came into my mind like a wrecking ball~



Now that I've started my school life for two weeks now, I'm starting to feel the stress (since the first week of school rather) and experiencing what I was worried about. Go to school early in the morning and back home in the evening. The moment I reached home, I on my computer to do my schoolwork. Repeating it every single day, which included weekends. I couldn't enjoy my weekends like how it used to be. The amount of work seems never-ending. I forgot almost everything that I learned in the past. Seeing my course mates knowing what the lecturer is teaching while I'm sitting here listening to the lecturer talk like as if he/she is teaching in an alien language. I hope it's just me not able to adapt to school life yet because I still have years to go.

I guess I can say that there will be changes to my life soon, mostly negatives since efforts putting in my social life/relationships are going downhill. Okay, back to reality. Bye.

Cherish.

Is it true that you only regret not cherishing the ones that you loved till they left you?

Only then, you reflect on what you should have done and should not have done. Be it those who went to a better place or those who ended the relationship.

I did regret that I didn't get to see my grandmother for the very last time before she passed away. When I was on my way to visit her, she passed away on that very day. That fifteen minute away. So close to reaching her.

I did regret that I didn't get into a relationship with this particular guy I dated for months knowing that we both had feelings for each other and then wasted years away on another relationship that I knew from the start that it will not last. But right now at this very moment, I'm blessed to be with my current boyfriend as he's my pillar of support for everything. I truly appreciate everything that he did for me, for us. 🙈

So... Anyway, that's life. If you don't learn it the hard way, you won't learn at all. All I could say is, think about your current life now and decide what you gonna do next. Don't ever regret the decision that you will make because it might affect others and that feeling does not feel good.

Lost & Found.

Remembered that I said that we might lose our feelings at some point in time in a relationship?
And it happened to me.
I remembered vividly how I felt back then.

I was terrified that I might lose this relationship of ours because it went from 100 to 0 so quickly in a day. I was terrified because I knew that I want this relationship yet I couldn't do anything for it and I didn't want to pretend that I am happy when I'm feeling troubled about our relationship.
When I saw his messages, it didn't make me feel as excited as before. I replied him for the sake of replying because I didn't want to make him worried about us and all the unnecessary uncertainties.

The next day, he came over and hugged me in his arms, not saying a single word and just lay beside me. I cried without him realizing, as I didn't know how to face him, with all the feelings bottled inside me. When both of us put in so much efforts in this relationship and suddenly it just disappeared in a day for me. He could sense a difference in me. He questioned my thoughts and I told him how I felt. I guess it was a big blow for him because we didn't have any arguments or anything and it just happened all of a sudden.

He asked me out the next day just like the way he did when we just started out. I gave a thought and agreed to hang out as I felt that it's not the end for us and it's only the end when both parties give up. When I saw him at the station, my actions didn't match what I wanted to do. I wanted to give a tight hug but I couldn't even hold his hand properly. I clenched my fist to push him off when he tried to hold my hand but still held my fist anyway. Wanted to talk about my feelings but I avoided it as always. When we finally sat down in the cinema with his arm around me and another for me to hold, that was when I felt that everything reverted back like how it used to be when we watched our first movie together.

I appreciate all the constant love he had given to me, even though I feel that I don't deserve a person like him to be in my life because all I did was avoid, conceal, and more avoiding. I would like to thank him for loving me and not giving up on me, knowing that I'm hard to love since the beginning of our relationship. I truly enjoyed every day with him, even just by texting or through the webcam. There will be more obstacles in front of us for sure but I'm even more confident that we'll overcome it together. We can't have a rainbow without a little rain, right?

I love you, boo.

- XOXOs

Strong.

People often see her as a cheerful girl, with that smile on her face who crack jokes and laugh at every small little thing daily. However, at some point in life, she just breakdown, for no particular reason, she often does.

She wanted people to care but ignored them when asked. Wanted to share her problems but there are no specific problems to talk about. So how she handle this? By shutting herself out from the outside world and probably cry herself to sleep almost every single night which results in the strong front every morning.

Hoping that she could just distract herself from boredom every second so that her thoughts couldn't run wild. Hoping that no one would notice how broken she is inside...

Expectations.

“Expectation is the root of all heartache.”

― William Shakespeare

As you get closer to someone, you tend to lift up your expectations towards that person because you think that since that person is everything to you, you are willing to do anything and everything for that person and that person will do the same back.
You expect that person to do what you expected them to do because that person understands you so well.
But sorry dear, we aren't mind reader.
Yes, we do understand you - your personality, character, likes, dislikes, etc.
But no, we've no idea what you expect us to do at a certain point of time.
It's two completely different things.

The higher the expectations, the greater the disappointment.
Having lower or no expectations at all and you'll realize that hey, actually they already gave their best and that's enough. Unless they totally don't give a sh*t about it then please do give them a tight slap as a form of reminder.

And this post is about expectations towards people, not towards your goal(s).
Don't mix it up.
Set high goal(s) and achievable objectives along the way towards your goal(s).
Stress is healthy but don't overstress yourself!

Just Kidding?

People often say harsh things and followed by "just kidding".
Are you really just kidding? I doubt so.
You said "just kidding" to avoid unnecessary arguments and conflicts when that was actually what you meant.
Give a second thought about it before opening your mouth.
- Will what you're gonna say hurt the person?
- Will it affect the person deeply?
- Can you afford to lose this person?

“Words cut deeper than knives. A knife can be pulled out, words are embedded into our souls.” 

― William Chapman

Think it through in your mind before opening your mouth.

If you really want to say about how you feel towards that person and avoid all those, why not try to rephrase it to something nicer and in a better tone than "just kidding" 'cause you know deep down you're not even kidding at all.

What if the person can't take your "joke" at all?
Consistently use of "just kidding" is just gonna pissed someone off.
Example, having a daily conversation with that person and whatever he/she say, he/she will add "just kidding" behind almost every sentence. Like dude, whatever you just said were just kidding when I took it in so seriously? Seriously?
Sometimes, I just don't get it.