Feels. (2)

Can't concentrate.
Everything just came crashing down but I've no one to talk to.
3 papers to go.

And I miss you.

Feels.

As I inched a step closer, you took a big step back.

I scrolled through all the messages and pictures, I miss hearing your voice and your sense of touch.
I don't know how you're feeling now as conversations are ended abruptly.
I wanna chat with you more but at the same time, I'm feeling scared.
I don't want to overthink like I always do.

Sidenote, I feel that I've learned a lot from relationships.
Good or bad times are all lessons learned.
And the most important lesson of all to me is communication.
Thank you for teaching the importance of communication even though you knew from the start I couldn't do it, you kept trying anyway.

Bottling Up.

You wanted to know what I'm thinking when my thoughts were full.
I tried to speak up.
You acknowledged it without doing anything.
I don’t know where did the old you go — The one that would call just to hear my voice, send a long text message just to express your thoughts.
I guess that’s gone since a long time ago when you gave up trying to know what I’m thinking.
And now it became a habit  — a bad habit, to stop contacting with each other.
When will we ever learn and grow out of it?

Floating.

I need more than 24 hours a day, or perhaps longer holidays.
I went to sleep every night with the fear of not being able to complete what I wanted to study.
Thought that yesterday was Friday when in actual fact, Friday just started four hours ago.
Either way, I guess I won't be able to complete studying since I don't understand a single thing.
That aside, deadlines for the projects are getting nearer and nearer and yet I have not touched a single one of them.
Been staying home for a week and nope, no progress at all.
It's impossible to understand those concepts.
Maybe this course is just not suitable for me.
Or maybe schooling itself is not suitable for me at all.
I'm just trying to survive in this course.
To be honest, I've no future plans at all after university.
I'm just floating around in the vast ocean to either get eaten up by sharks or continue to hope for some miracle to save me from this situation.
It stressed me to the point that everyone's gone, mentally.
Back to where I started.
Alone.

Nasty thing.

We said nasty things to each other.
We hurt the other person's feelings.
And followed by a comforting hug.
It's comforting because it extinguishes the fire within me.
It's comforting because it turned my anger into tears.
It's comforting because it let me know that you're the one who means so much in my heart.

But then again, and again, and again, I couldn't bring myself to talk it out.
Bottling up everything to myself, having that nasty comment running on repeat in my mind.
My actions didn't match with what I wanted to do, as always.
I guess it's hard for me to change as much as I wanted to.
And all I wanted to do was to hug you back and say, I'm sorry too.

Truth & Courage.

It's hard to say the truth out, isn't it?
Especially to someone that is close to you and at the same time knowing that the truth will hurt them.
We all know that it will be harder for them to accept as time goes by.
The ultimate question is:
Do you have the courage to speak the truth?

When she sees him again.

When she sees him again, all she noticed was his back.
She had no idea how to start a conversation and neither did she know how to continue one.
With all the thoughts running through her mind, she rather keeps it blank.
Tears start filling in her eyes.
Trying to keep her head low to avoid her eyes to be seen.

They finally settled down in a bar.
Knowing the answer, but asked for confirmation.
She held back those tears and continued the night with laughter.
Because she knew that he found happiness, with another girl.
The way he talked about that girl with that smile on his face says it all.

They parted that night with a final kiss on his cheek.
That was the night she realized that she got replaced so very easily.

Initiative.

No one takes the initiative to hang out anymore. We are just "busy" doing our own things that we neglect the people around us. Busy with our lives than to build up the connections with the people around us. Even if one person keeps taking the initiative, that person would be tired too.

It's just a text, a call, or even a walk away to the other person. Is it that hard?